Saturday
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Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
WHO LET THE T-REX OUT OF ITS PADDOCK JESUS CHRIST DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?
Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.