Saturday
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ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
What are some weird things about living in the modern world?
I’m a regular customer of a restaurant that I’ve never been to.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job