Saturday
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“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
*Seductively hides in the woods
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
My 4yo started a 10-minute timer and a 12-minute timer at the same time. When the 10-minute timer went off first, she cried. She was rooting for the 12-minute timer to win.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
New skill unlocked
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon