Saturday
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[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Spotify: enjoy the next 30 minutes commercial free
Also Spotify: we have no concept of time
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
@funTweeters
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.