Saturday
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The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
This is Sparta
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
