Saturday
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This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
You know you’re a writer when you have file names like “final_draft_V15_updated_edited_this_sucks_going_to_rewrite_this_garbage_i_need_a_drink.doc”
My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Morning all.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
When I buy a multipack of lip balms, I put one in my purse and scatter the rest randomly around the house to save time from the inevitability of losing them.