Saturday
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I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Born to be mild.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark
The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.