[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
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I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back
my wife keeps complaining about me leaving my stuff around the house. It’s like she doesn’t even know how feng shui works.