Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.

Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this

When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out

doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day

also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week

[taking a walk with mom]

Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*

Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.

A sick whale is called an unwhale

My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.

I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.

Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.

“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”

*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama

Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?

Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!

Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love

Her: I’m not hungry

My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?

Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES

Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.

Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?

Me: it’s my autobiography.

I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.

Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints

I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.

Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.

Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.

EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed

TRUMP: What op-ed?

EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?

[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming

[at daycare]

Me: I’m here to pick up my son

Daycare: what’s he look like?

Me: *points to my face*

D: oh. Ok

Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?

Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey

Exec: I dont think that works

Writer: Se-seven Monkeys

Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-

Writer: TWELVE monkeys

Exec: Now.. hold on a second.

Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?

HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁

If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.

Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.

I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.