Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
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[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years