Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.

[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?

*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*

Me: “How do you pronounce that?”

Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”

I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.

The opposite of Iceland is water water

*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race

Me: *stomach rumbling*

8: Why is your tummy making those noises?

M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive

If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.

I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…

It was in the non-friction section.

Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.

If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.

Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.

Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.

Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong

Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!

Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…

Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”

Him:

Me: Go on…

The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.

Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it

When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.

My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.

14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?

Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?

14:

Me:

14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.

ME: do u like smart guys

GIRL AT BAR: yes

ME: sorry i wasted your time

Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”

If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.

*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*

*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*

I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware

You sure about that?

ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth

gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”

me:

When taking your driving test:

1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.

[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s

Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.

If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.