Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first

🦝🔥🦝🔥

[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?

*Refrigerator hums loudly*

I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.

I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?

Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.

Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!

[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far

[Taken Nemo]

*Clam phone rings*

Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.

*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”

The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.

i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings

Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island

Label: Non-habit forming

Me: Challenge accepted

If my trainee says “on God” one more time, he’s going to meet him

Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.

Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.

I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.

WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?

ME: I don’t think so

WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?

ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!

My favorite farside!!

*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*

*watches people scream into the box*

That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.

me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year

5:

me:

5: my brother lets me play with his

Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.

it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once

One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?

don’t be scared

Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”

Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]

Me: Ah, the elusive white penny

Cashier: That’s a button

I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.