Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
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Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re always sleepy unless you’re trying to get to sleep
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now