Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
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Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
No one in this airport bathroom wants to make prolonged eye contact with me
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Can’t. About to go please some beans
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?