Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.

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INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me


My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:

“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”


Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.


A taser, but for people who say, “everything happens for a reason.”


Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”


ME: You have a beautiful home.

HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.


My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.


me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are

date: what are you having

me: an ok time


[confession booth]

ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes

PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this

ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share

PRIEST: you forgot pride

ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this