Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
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This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
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Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
You know I’m something of a chef myself
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”