[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
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INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
A taser, but for people who say, “everything happens for a reason.”
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this