Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
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Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
It’s only 9am, & I’ve already ruined my son’s entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man