#SaturdayBears
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In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
If this doughnut and ice cream are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 2001-2003?
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
As a kid I wasn’t allowed to dress up and go trick or treating. So as an adult I enjoy it even more, and wish there were more satanic holidays.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
3: I wuv you Mommy.
Me: I love you too!
3: Don’t talk to me.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*