Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives

My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.

[spelling bee]

your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’

“can you use it in a sentence?”

yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’

getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.

I self medicate, therefore you live.

*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*

*audience claps politely*

Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.

The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.

Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!

[Justice League HQ]

SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight

MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes

Goodnight 🐶

Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.

Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?

How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?

I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.

IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE

interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?

me: i’m a slow learner

interviewer: well…that’s not good

me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to

I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”

sigh

“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.

A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.

Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane

Judge: you’re representing yourself

You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.

I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.

Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.

A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.

To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.

I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.

WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”

HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit