Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..

Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re

I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.

My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.

Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.

Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.

My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.

Nothing is sacred.

cop: show me your hands

dahmer: *opens fridge*

Them: Can I ask you a personal question?

Me: *bursts into flames*

I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.

I kneaded that.

I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?

Please please please please please please please…

-me, flushing someone else’s toilet

Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me

Day 1 of diet:

forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.

Simple

Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor

“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway

“Not that one” I whisper moments too late

It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.

[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?

Don’t you hate it when you’re SO tired because it’s been SUCH a long week and then you look at the calendar and see that it is, in fact, only Monday?

I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast

I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.

Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.

His need for me and only me.

• The cat wants to be fed.

My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.

O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.

‘I know a black person’

– White people

Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.

You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?

A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.

The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.

The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.