Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.

*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*

Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open

Me: No problem

ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.

*takes everything personally

Everyone: hey, give me that back!

I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores

Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.

I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro

Pro: he does community service

Con: it’s court-mandated

I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.

Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.

Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.

i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.

No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now

Getting drunk was invented by Big Text to make you send more texts

I don’t think Spotify knows what a genre is. Apparently I’ve been listening to “indie punk death raccoon disco” all year.

<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahh

Yeah, I felt that.

moms in horror movies

I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.

today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage

Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.

I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.

If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.

Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns

“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”

Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL

I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.

It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year

CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?

ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small

All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.

If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”