Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.

Imma just leave this here…………

Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.

The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking

*puts finger over your lips*

Shhhhhhhhhhhhh

*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*

husband: we need to get your ring insured in case there’s a fire or tornado

me: but what if the tornado wants to use my ring to propose to his tornado girlfriend

husband:

I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.

my favorite maggie smith movie will always be hook, which she played at 56 years old but the makeup was so good it confused an entire generation of people when she just kept looking the same or better for the next 3 decades

At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.

Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.

The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.

A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty

JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film

Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”

If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.

[At the Dr]

Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, how

Normal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why

sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing

11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.

He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.

Me: I’ve hit rock bottom

The Rock: Harder

Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂

Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco

“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.

Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’

“Is this the fifth one?”

– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish

The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.

Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!

I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.

Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.