Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Final Destination ruined two of my favorite things. Rollercoasters and sharing the road with log hauling trucks.

IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW

Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?

-liveTweeting from the DogHouse

Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?

It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…

Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?

Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha

Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now

I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.

I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.

Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.

And now someone’s texting him.

MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo

WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?

INSOMNIAC: No

I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.

Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.

the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.

Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario

Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.

Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.

The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax

6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀

For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”

With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?

i have good and bad news

Wife: Ok, the bad news?

i didn’t clean out the garage

Wife:*sigh* the good news?

[holds up cat dressed as Thor]

NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you

WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers

Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.

im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time

Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*

Boss: WTH?!

Me: It’s Natl Bully Month

Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!

Me: well this is awkward

Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there

My plans: 2020:

one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist