Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *finds new bruise*

brain: press it

got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit

When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”

Me:

boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*

Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”

Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”

Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”

I have a coworker that gets the same thing every day at lunchtime, diarrhea

Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.

Now who’s stupid? They are!

Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.

Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!

I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle

Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.

We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?

I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”

Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper

No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.

I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.

baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing

Friend: ow I just cut my finger

Me: ouch

Friend: can u put a bandaid on it

Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp

“FOUND ‘EM!”

Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.

My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.

You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?

Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask

It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.

My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film

I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.

[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]

Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*

Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready

Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too. 

Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.

Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance

The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.

– i

Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!

Them: What is it?

Me: I literally. Just. Said.