Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes

me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no

Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.

I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues

detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene

crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers

My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.

Algorithm: noticed u lingered on this pic of a frog for 14 seconds

Me: I was refilling my vape

Algorithm: got some more frogs for ya. frog freak. u like that

It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight

Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please

Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir

The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.

I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.

Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.

Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.

How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.

I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.

He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”

The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.

There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-

Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.

Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.

When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.

Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.

2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*

1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself

Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?

Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys

Me: Tell me WHY

Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake

I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.

Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music

[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes

Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.

Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.

[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.

I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.

there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary

MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…

Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.