How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
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Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Just as the prophecy foretold
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.