COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
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When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.