Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
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When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
I bet birds love this building.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”