@Home_Halfway

Save a horse. Ride a cowboy. Use your best judgment with a centaur.

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@JediGigi

I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.

@junejuly12

*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*

@GrantTanaka

Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid

@shariv67

When villainy didn’t pay anymore, The Riddler got a job writing furniture assembly instructions for IKEA.

@DaddyJew

Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong

Me: challenge accepted.

@SJKSalisbury

Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.

@blade_funner

My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.

@themorris23

Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.

@Tmoney68

Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.

*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*

M: I have never been happier in my life.