Save a horse. Ride a cowboy. Use your best judgment with a centaur.

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I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.


*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*


Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid


When villainy didn’t pay anymore, The Riddler got a job writing furniture assembly instructions for IKEA.


Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong

Me: challenge accepted.


Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.


My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.


Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.


Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.

*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*

M: I have never been happier in my life.