Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
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getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Plant care tips
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!