Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
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You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.