Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
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I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
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ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no