Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
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I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”