Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
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What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
I heard God is testing both of us at the same time wanna hang out
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
Cop lights are so pretty at night
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about