Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*

My mom: sure use any towel.

Also my mom: not that one.

ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—

FAMILY: We have a JET?!

ME: I meant—

FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?

ME:

FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?

ME: Yes, that is definitely the case

Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.

Him: Hi

Me: I bet you say that to all the girls

We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…

HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.

ME: Show me {moves closer}

HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}

ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.

Not even remotely sorry.

the clocks on the oven and the microwave this morning:

You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.

[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing

Better names for porcupines:

Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum

me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am

“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director

The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.

I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.

Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day

If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.

Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.

POUTINE TIMELINE

9 PM: I could go for a poutine

9:15: This is god’s delicious gift

9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them

9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning

11 PM: I could go for a poutine

I opened a pistachio once…

Worst 37 minutes of my life.

I get it dogs, I wish I could yell at strangers approaching my house too

Welcome to your 40s.

Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.

Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight

Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-

Date: aww

Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*

Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.

Driving class: 10 and 2

Real life: 7 and french fries

I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.

Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.