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Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?