Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I need an answer to a question, but I’m not looking for the same old information from all the books and articles. I want the real truth.”
“I feel like your first mistake may have been coming to the building with all the books and articles.”

I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭

You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.

There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery

My birthstone is kidney

Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.

If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.

“So here’s a bit ab how the interview process will work:

1. initial phone screening
2. in-person interview
3. American Ninja Warrior course
4. fight to the death

If you have any questions ab this or the low-paying, entry-level job opportunity, pls don’t hesitate to ask 🤗.”

[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?

*first day using my sith power*

“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”

If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.

I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.

Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.

*My wife being frustrated by my kids*

Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?

8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?

Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.

[Ouija board in Starbucks]

“Speak to me spirits”

O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G

G R O S S

My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger

Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.

Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.

*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*

Does this smell funny?

I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?

No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.

There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.

My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.

Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet

Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car

one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭

Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?

Me: You mean like water water or bath water?

[at a restaurant]

Her: I’m going with meatloaf

Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together