Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
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Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.