Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips
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That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…
“Ow! I’m brined!”
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
gender is a sprctrum
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
(yawn)
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*