Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips
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Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Pizza rolls are shaped like little pillows because you’re ready for a nap after eating 50 or 60 of them.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
This line from Airplane.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.