Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
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He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Forget about my body count. The list of women who *haven’t* slept with me is really impressive
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Me checking my bank balance online.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun