Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry

[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started

i’m still crying at this

My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆

For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.

To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME

Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying

Guy: No it wasn’t me

Me: Impressive

just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️

Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*

GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—

DOLPHIN: What’s that one?

GOD: That’s an e.

DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.

GOD: But you—

DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.

Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”

I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh

I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.

ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits

Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price

Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?

Son: The end.

[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell

I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.

I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!

So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.

Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live

Me: is there anything you can do?

Doctor: I can juggle

Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that

Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks

I wonder what happens when you stop chasing waterfalls and the waterfalls start chasing you?

Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.

I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry

[mattress commercial]

husband: i like value

wife: but i want comfort

announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299

If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name

As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table

ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!

[Plastic surgeon’s office]

Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*

Secretary: what the hell was that?

Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill

When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:

“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”