Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.

This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.

The news

If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.

Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.

Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.

[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you

Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.

Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown

If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.

Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.

When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo

I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship

[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”

WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.

“That was supposed to be a compliment.”

-Men

Texas.

Where the vegan menu item is chicken.

My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”

I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”

Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag

making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)

Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’

Me: Where’s your water bottle?

3yo: I don’t know.

Me: Can you please go look for it?

3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.

My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.

[watching my life flash before my eyes]

God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?

If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.

I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows

I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.

I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow

Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.