Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Naming my child*

WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?

ME:… Mattress?

My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then

When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.

As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.

I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”

Kid: I love you so much!

Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.

Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.

Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.

Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.

airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25

me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass

draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers

Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.

I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.

if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts

What I say and what I mean are three different things.

Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later

I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognised him by lunch time.

Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman

A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?

John Cougar Melon Camp

If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.

*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*

My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.

Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”

Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”

I hate it when people write tweets with the algorithm in mind. Everyone’s trying to Taylor their content to what’s popular. I’m Swift ly losing patience with this.

Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?

Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE

wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.

“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.

BETRAYAL

[1st night w/Russian bride]

“take yr panties off”

[smaller panties underneath]

“them too”

[even smaller panties underneath]

“damnit…”

There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.

1. You
2. All the other idiots

When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.

Googling “best laundry hampers 2024” like I’m trying to keep current with the technology