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Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
After playing guitar all these years, I thought I’d give piano a try. But that’s not an easy instrument to pick up.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Dermatologist just told me this surgery is going to leave a scar.
Can we have a moment of silence for the death of my modeling career?
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!