Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”

Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.

I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.

Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best

If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet

There’s nothing like new glasses to make you realize you should get new glasses more often than every five years. Like, ah yes, trees have leaves. Birds. I’d forgotten all about them.

It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020

It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.

Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.

We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.

Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad

Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆

DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.

Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.

“Why is your name listed first?”
“We’ve discussed this.”
“Explain it to me one more time.”
“They’re alphabetical.”

[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..

I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:

Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.

After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.

*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.

Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?

Me: Apples!

*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.

We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face

Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one

My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits

[creation of insects]

LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die

Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.

*first date*

her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose

me: I like the sound of that

her: mmmmm oh do you now.

me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?

The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you

WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you