Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
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The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
ME: It’s a vampire movie set in ancient Rome
PRODUCER: Keep talking
ME: called Vladiator
HIM: Get out
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
no one likes gloating
Me: I’m sorry. I never know what to do with my hands, especially when I’m nervous
Driving instructor: *screaming intensifies
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Introverted vegans go meetless
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR