Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
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Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Hosting Thanksgiving? Bring up politics so everyone will leave early.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Shouldn’t a grand piano only cost $1000?
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you