Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
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I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Thank god I grew up with stuffing because if I’d never heard of it before and someone showed up to my house as an adult with wet bread and celery casserole my first instinct would be to beat their ass
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
My dog burst through the screen door yesterday so I’m dressing her up as the Kool-Aid man for Halloween.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”