Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
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[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Why you should stop “liking” posts on Twitter…
3. Boring
2. Weak
1. They’re now invisibleWhy you should start replying with “this pleases me” instead…
3. Enigmatic
2. Suggests people should curry your favour
1. It’s what Alan Rickman would’ve done
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.