Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.

Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie

I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake

Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*

Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?

I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it

Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan

Me: We need a more colourful couch

My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?

Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.

When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.

Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds

Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best

{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor

Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20

I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.

me: hi, I have no power at my house

power company: ok, when did it happen

me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift

Cereal companies will say “raisins and nuts” on the box, but there are fewer inside every year. They should call their cereal “Granola That Met A Nut At A Party Once,” or “Flakes That Have Heard Of The Concept Of Raisins.” It’s basically a homeopathic dilution at this point.

My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23

No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.

[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID

The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.

one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name

I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.

Coach: Ice cream! My treat

Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?

Coach: My treat

Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song

Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it

Me: This is the worst escape room ever.

Boss: This is your job.

To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.

me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see

I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.