Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
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Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
grandparents are too precious for this world
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
if you have never had a true email job, you might think – “it’s an email job, surely that means everyone at least checks their email and replies somewhat promptly when needed” but you would be stunned, stunned I say, to find the truth
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory