Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
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Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
Went to P-T conferences yesterday and my 9yo was a hit with her teachers. She’s sweet, kind and hardworking. They even said “Great job mom and dad”.
This is the same 9yo who I once told to stop being loud, so she spitefully told Alexa to fart 47 times.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
The moon is waxing but my interest is waning because I like a moon with full bush ok
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
No wonder it’s gone cold. Someone’s left the freezer door open.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?