Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
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due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Life hack
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
👏WHY👏DO👏WE👏CALL👏TINY👏BAGS👏”BAGGIES”👏BUT👏TINY👏BOXES👏AREN’T👏CALLED👏”BOXIES”👏THAT’S👏SOME👏BULLSHIT👏CALL👏THEM👏”BOXIES”👏IMMEDIATELY👏NO👏JUSTICE👏NO👏PEACE👏AND👏WHATNOT!👏
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
My teenage niece and nephew refer to everything before the year 2000 as “the 1900’s” and, while technically correct, it still makes me want to slap them.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.