Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole

4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?

Me, a Dad: Yeah???

4: …

4: MOMMY!!!

NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.

The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together

“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journey

Punching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King

It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.

*sips wine*

t-shirt is short for “television shirt”

*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is antonym

ME: synonym

JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example

ME: *lips on mic* i-t

Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.

My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.

wife: did you pee on the seat

me: maybe a little

bus driver: ok both of you off now

People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice

[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]

Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful

I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up

When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion

me: *entering the ocean*

ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?

Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!

Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me

Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?

W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?

Me: *laughing* Yep

W: OMG noooo

Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”

me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?

5:

me:

5: we say thank you

Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*

Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch

BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home

ME: please, i have a family

*gets bitten

*becomes shy shy

Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.

Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.

Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.

An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face

You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.

marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?

me: i don’t know

my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret

Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.