Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
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The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
They’re called werewolves.
At a party. Saw lady I knew was pregnant. Went over and put my hand on her tummy, wobbled it and said ‘amazing news’. She told me baby was three months old and I’d just wobbled her cesarean scar. Never seen a room empty so quickly.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
