Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
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SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
I wish my hair had as much volume as my mouth.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again