Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eat…

I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.

landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*

also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late

Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.

[First Date]

Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.

If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.

Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend

Coworker: What book you reading there?

Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’

CW:…

Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.

If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.

Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?

It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too

Every time I start typing in “linkedin” on one of my browsers I just hit enter when it auto-fills and I always end up accidentally viewing the profile of some random person whose profile I once reviewed.

This guy is probably like “why is she so obsessed with me”

It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*

Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.

The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.

Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out

I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.

Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.

Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”

“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.

Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!

Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.

why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics

Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.

My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.

3: I know what’s keeping me awake

Me: What?

3: The air

Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix

I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.

Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan

*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird