Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
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I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Walmart is crazy like why did I have a polite conversation with a stranger about mustard
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
I’ve started listening to audiobooks and I have to say it’s much easier than listening to physical books.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
I took the first step towards cleaning out my closet today. I went in there and looked it over good.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
🤣🤣
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.