Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
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Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
there is a guy i see every single time i’m at the gym. morning, night, midday, twice a days, i’m like this is outrageous. today, i’m here & there are two of them. they’re twins lmao it’s all adding up
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
I got 3 miles in before breakfast.
That’s enough driving for the day
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Ostracized? Buddy, why would I want to be turned into a bird that can’t fly?
“Square up your hips.”
“Alright.”
“Your elbows need to come up.”
“Is all this really necessary?”
“Have you seen the news?”
“No.”
“They’re coming for us, Sid.”
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
i wonder if americans realize just how much more insulting the phrase “room temperature IQ” is to those who use the metric system
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”