Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
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I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
Please do it!
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.