Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.

Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.

I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.

Me: Your sandwiches are ready

16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*

Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten

16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten

WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.

Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.

I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.

I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*

Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.

On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system

[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?

GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH

Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.

Him:*laughs nervously*

Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial

let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth

[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

Daughter: So I gather

me: psst, wanna see a dead body

nurse at my first surgery: no

ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here

ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857

I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18

After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.

[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]

Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.

5 year old: *cries*

My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.

It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.

Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame

Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”

11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…

but thinks the market for teeth is.

How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.

DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.

ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.

One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.

Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.

[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”

Of course I have critical thinking skills I’m thinking critically of you right now.