Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
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doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Why is peter pan always flying?
He neverlands.
I like this joke because it never grows old.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
greetings!
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
I’m taking my teen driving so if I don’t make it back just know my last words were probably “HIT THE F’ING BRAKE!!!”
I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.