Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
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9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
based al yankovic
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
same but as an audience member
We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him