Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A man I dated briefly 12 years ago sent me a message yesterday and I was reminded of our first date where he brought me an elaborate gift bag that contained a single potato

I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.

Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?

*first time at a Michelin restaurant*

Me: “One order of tires, please.”

the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray

What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?

Russian roulette.

Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.

cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees

Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*

My dog: *blasts off from earth*

take the quarantine challenge!

come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods

a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?

My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.

The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.

I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.

I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..

Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.

[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?

If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.

My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.

I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.

When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.

I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe

CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons

My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.

*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”

I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water

Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:

“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”

Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough