Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!

Trying to figure out if this girl from high school and her husband got divorced. I’m incredibly busy

“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”

Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.

[first day in hell]

Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?

Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—

Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*

It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.

I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.

He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.

Go bears!

(I’m not watching football I just hate salmon)

Them: This is a knife for cutting cake

Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake

Them:

Me: Oh

setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here

*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*

I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.

White parent Vs Arab parents

I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door

There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.

Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:

Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan air

Where does it end?

Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots

Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you

*Jesus sits down at the bar*

“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”

I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.

Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…

[in hell]

me: *sad* why am I here?

satan: you’re a murderer

me: what? no I’m not

satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl

me: *blushing* aww

911: 911, whats your emergency?

Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.

911: what’s your location?

Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.

911: can you spell that for me?

Man: (pause)

911: Sir?

Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back

You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.

FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH

I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.

If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.

What is a Sherpa?

“Let me summit up for you.”

We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.