Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.

By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.

Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.

7: Ding Dong.

Me: What?

7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.

Me: Oh. My. God. 😂

[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.

Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.

Who called it med school and not the I.V. League

Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band

Her: N*SYNC?

Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator

The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.

If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.

Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?

I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)

Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.

If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends

[on a date]

Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?

[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.

okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw

*first year living alone*

Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what

Me: I’m going to shower

6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!

Me: Aw, than-

6: just some make up would help

[Screams into a dark wishing well]

“I want my coins back!”

i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?

I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.

Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!

I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.

When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things

Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.

There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.

Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”

Me: “I said that?”

i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”

It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.

You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.