Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.

NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…

Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?

14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.

He’s been off for 17 days.

May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.

I’d tell you to go to Hell, but i work there and don’t wanna see you everyday.

cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners

Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.

Listening to music and explicit lyrics play.

In my 20s: *turns song up and sings along loudly with it*

In my 40s: *changes song* Do they have to cuss so much?

“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server

During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter

[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU

Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.

Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.

Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.

drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.

Is this you?

*how fights start*

me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident

him: it’s obvious

me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I

What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?

What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?

Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*

DC: Which room will you be working out in?

Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.

Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?

I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.

Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?

its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads

Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.

Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?

INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people

ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search

I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing

Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb

Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.

Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”