Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”

-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for

after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.

while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application

Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.

did you know that before the crowbar was invented,

crows used to drink at home….

Me, in DM rooms…

I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.

[I dont get invited to a party]

me: shit

[I get invited to a party]

me: Shit.

Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now

Woman: Okay but still, what the hell

Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror

I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.

Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.

#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.

We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10

i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click

Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…

Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?

Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*

My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT

Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.

*has no girlfriend or kids*

*gives out dating and parenting advice*

[At Adele Concert]

Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide

Me (shouting): Tell us your surname

“Girl, same.”

– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.

best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!

My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too

I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.

I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.

If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.

Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-

Him: Stop singing to the mustard

Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.

Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.