saving face 👀
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Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.