saving face 👀
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Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
New Tinder profile.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
This made me chuckle cuz mood
not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang
Perfect.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed