saving face 👀
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FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
i actually laughed 😩
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim